I clearly remember on that May night, the 15-year-old me was getting my dose of Kpop news online where I was reading about TVXQ, Super Junior, and Girls Generation (yes, was an SM-stan back in those days, and still is despite everything). I wasn't as news savvy as the rest of my friends who knew when the next album of their favourite group was coming out, had news of upcoming groups from different companies and so on. But I was also at the point where I wanted to fit in so I was reading almost every new article of the day from a few websites every day after school just to learn more about the Korean music industry.

So when I saw this article, "SHINee Noona Neomu Yeoppeo MV Is Out", I clicked into it  Back in those days the music video was placed before the article so I pressed play. I didn't know who were they or which company they were from or whatever concept they were doing. All I knew was, when the music came up, the moment I saw chiseled-jaw-side-swept-fringe-Jonghyun, I knew I found the boy group that resonates to me in terms of musicality, looks, and concept. 

I remember re-watching the music video a few more times after that because I LOVE the song, which I still do, up till now and forever I know. Only then did I read the article and found out that they were SM artistes and it was like the joyous thing that ever happened for me because I was very protective of the SM artistes at that time and knowing that SHINee was a part of these other awesome groups that I like, I was ecstatic.

My favourite from SHINee was Jonghyun. He was the first that caught my eye straight away, right at 0:12 in the music video. So looks came first and then he was first to sing and my soul flew right out the window. I remember at that era I was also starting to listen to more unique sounds and had an interest in jazz and especially R&B. Jonghyun's voice caught me instantly and I fell more deeply into the love hole. As the song was also my preferable genre, everything just came together perfectly and I knew instantly I will be stanning SHINee for some time.

As time passes, all of us got to see the personalities of all the members of SHINee and with amazing songs year by year, and not to mention the concepts that I really appreciate for every album, I felt more and more closer to SHINee, especially Jonghyun. However, some time later after that I was detached from the Kpop world because I found it hard to keep up with the pace. I was still keeping an eye on SHINee but never like before where I made sure I watch every single video of them whether it was a fancam or a recorded TV show. 

Somehow I lost contact with everything Kpop. When Jonghyun released his first compilation album, I didn't even listen to it and didn't got to know about it until a month later. It wasn't my priority but the boys were always somewhere there in my head, at some corner I know that. I let them linger there but I didn't update myself about their news and latest works.

By the way, up to 2017, I hadn't the chance to go to any of SHINee's concert and it really has been bugging me for awhile because I really love them and to me the best way to show my support is to attend their concerts! So in May 2017, I saw posts about SHINee's world tour online and decided to check it out and see if I could make it to any of the venues. At that point of time it was towards the end of the tour and as mentioned before, I was totally outdated on this news. 

Lucky enough, a last minute addition of Bangkok changed everything. I was literally going crazy. Am I dreaming? I can afford Bangkok. I can go to SHINee's concert, FREAKING FINALLY!!!

I was excited because my lifelong dream will finally come true! I mean the ideal would be seeing the boys together at their Korean concert but at that time any chance was good enough.

So off I was to Bangkok and I had to say it was like going out with your crush for the first time, all giddy inside. Though it rained cats and dogs, found shelter in the gents, and lined up in there too, it didn't kill the spirit in me. When the show started and when they came up on stage, it was back to the times at Golden Disk Award. No sun, no rain, no one, nothing, can stop me. I am now with SHINee, having the time of my life with my soulgirl Vivienne and dancing to the music I love with all these fantastic Shawols who share the same love as I do to the boys.

It's okay I lost touch with the boys for awhile previously. It's okay because it didn't affect me when I was there at the Thunder Dome stadium. I felt like an old flame that was revived and burning hell-crazy. I was looking at Jonghyun the whole time. So handsome. So flawless. So talented. My first love.

Did I cry? Yes I did when Jonghyun and Onew sang "Please Don't Go". The silhouette and his voice just brought me back to when I was 15 and reminded me how much I love him from the very beginning. Plus the song was sang with so much feeling from these two amazing vocalists. Can never forget them singing this song live.

After the concert, I told myself to put in more effort in checking out their Instagrams and learning about the stuff I missed out in that gap of time. Everything was looking good till the news of Jonghyun leaving us flooded the world. At first I was like okay...but at day 3 and day 4 and after a week, I still asked myself, it was not real right..how if it's not real?

I found solace in my soulgirl, thank goodness I have her to keep me sane.

On the night of his death, I had a dream that I was brought to this field and was looking at the dark sky which was filled with bright lit moons. Yes, not one moon but many moons. It was so beautiful and though I was alone, I didn't felt lonely or scared.

The next morning I did my usual Twitter-stalking on the latest news of his passing and found out that Jjong had a special fondness for the moon and even had a song he wrote, 'Moon'. Note that I did not know any of these prior to his death because there was a period of time where I did not catch up with their news and interviews. I told my soulgirl and she also mentioned that he wrote Selene 6.23 where 'selene' is 'moon' in Ancient Greek.

Then I wondered. I had no idea about the relation of the moon with Jjong so it cannot be in my unconscious mind because this information was never received. But I dreamt of the moons on the night of his death. Is he telling me to write this here to tell everyone that he is okay? Because I don't know what other reasons if this dream is not related to Jonghyun. Maybe its a coincidence but I will still choose to see it as him telling us he is alright.

It was a difficult end of the year for me as I constantly think of him and why he has left us. The next concern was the rest of the SHINee members and the future of SHINee. I am very thankful to the boys for sticking together through it all. I still love them nevertheless.

When Poet | Artist came out two days before my birthday in 2018, we were once again blessed with Jonghyun's talents for the last time. I thought I couldn't bear to watch the music video and will end up crying the moment it goes on but funny enough, I was smiling throughout the music video and actually felt happy instead of the opposite. I think that's why Jonghyun is such a great artiste. Despite what happen, he still made me and many others smile with his music.

I love SHINee as a whole don't get me wrong but I'm dedicating this post to Jonghyun because it's his birthday today and I was going to write him something after he left us but I just couldn't bring myself to do it because I was so broken inside. Also, I knew if I wrote it at that period of time, I wouldn't be able to complete it properly anyway. So I chose his birthday today as the day I will post something about him and SHINee with happiness. 

To Jonghyun, I will always love you and I miss you. SHINee will never be the same without you but I know you will always be there with the boys and guide them along the way. Happy birthday, I love you, I miss you.


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P/S: I want to thank my lovely friend Kris who was such a sweetheart and helped me and Vivienne place flowers at the SM building for Jonghyun. It means so much to us. Thank you <3 p="">